


Memories

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 02:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt desperately wants to be over Blaine.</p>
<p>canonical, set within/after 4x15 (“Girls (and Boys) on Film”), with no spoilers beyond</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> a few lines of dialogue are taken from 4x08 (“Thanksgiving”)
> 
> also, I love them so muuuuuuuuch <3

The movie theater seats are small and cramped together, nothing like the cushy stadium seating of the multiplex in Lima, but Kurt doesn’t mind because there’s no one on his other side and because Adam has been a gentleman and ceded the shared armrest to him. Their arms brush together as the lights dim, and Adam smiles over at him in that fond, hopeful way he’s getting that makes Kurt’s stomach twist with what he is sure must be a reasonable amount of happiness.

Smiling back, Kurt lifts his soda and settles in as the credits begin to roll -

_Not lifting his head from Kurt’s shoulder or looking away from the screen, Blaine picked up the bowl of air-popped popcorn from the couch beside him and offered it to Kurt._

_Kurt pressed a kiss of thanks into Blaine’s hair and grabbed a handful of popcorn as the music swelled and Blaine sighed softly in the curve of his arm._

_A few minutes later, Kurt reached for the tissues with his free hand and set them on his lap. He smiled with knowing satisfaction and a full heart when Blaine immediately reached for one._

_“Thank you. This part always gets to me,” Blaine whispered, wiping his nose._

_Kurt smoothed his hand over Blaine’s shoulder, tucked their feet together on the coffee table, and said, “I know.”_

\- and takes a sip, the chemical-sweet taste washing away the bitterness flooding his mouth against his will.

***

Half of his dragging attention on the e-mail he’s scrolling through on his phone, Kurt flips off the lid of his much-needed cup of coffee at the condiment bar and finds a heart swirled into the foam of his latte by the bored barista. He glances up toward the door, the late afternoon sun slanting through the smudged glass windows -

_”I’m off in ten minutes,” Kurt said as he looked up to find Blaine leaning oh-so-casually against the counter at the Lima Bean and smiling warmly at him. A thrill went through him that Blaine was suddenly so close and so focused on him, even in public, even while he smelled like coffee and cleaning products and was wearing that horrible apron. “And I’m not going to make you another coffee, no matter how much you beg me, because I know how much you’ve drunk sitting here this afternoon, and I don’t want to spend the night with you bouncing off the walls.”_

_“I’m not here for more coffee,” Blaine told him, propping himself up on his elbows next to the cash register and leaning over toward him like Kurt was doing something incredible instead of just wiping crumbs from the counter. The late afternoon light behind him lit a halo around his handsome head. “I just couldn’t wait ten more minutes to talk to you.”_

\- and then grabs a packet of turbinado sugar, tearing it open and stirring its contents into his drink, obliterating the design before he snaps the lid back on the cup.

***

Kurt hums to himself as he slices vegetables for dinner, a simple stir-fry that will feed all of the people suddenly living in his apartment, although Rachel hasn’t been eating much recently. Maybe this will tempt her, and if not he’ll have leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Mushrooms, onions, and carrots have all fallen to the rhythm of his knife and wait in neat piles on the cutting board, and he turns and reaches for a green pepper on the table -

_”’Heaven. I’m in heaven. And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak’,” Blaine sang along with the iPod in its dock, sliding his arm around Kurt’s waist and trying to spin him toward the center of the kitchen._

_“Blaine,” Kurt laughed and smacked him lightly on the arm with the hand not holding the pepper. “We’re cooking. Carole’s going to be home in a half hour.”_

_Blaine just grinned at him and pulled him away from the counter. “That’s plenty of time for a song.”_

_Kurt looked into his boyfriend’s happy eyes filled with love and music and him and knew he was lost. “Fine,” he said, setting down the pepper on the cutting board. “But I’m putting you in charge of the shallots.”_

_“‘And the cares that hung around me through the week seem to vanish like a gambler’s lucky streak’,” Blaine sang in agreement, and his smile grew almost blinding as Kurt raised his voice in harmony and glided across the floor in his arms, “‘when we’re out together dancing cheek to cheek.’”_

\- before sliding his knife into its firm flesh and cutting it decisively in two. He finishes slicing in silence.

***

Kurt crosses his legs and flips through the magazine as he waits on the bench for Rachel to get out of class so that they can go home together. The spring fashions are fabulous, and he drifts on happy thoughts of lace and structure for a few minutes before a detail in an advertisement catches his eye.

It’s a simple arrangement of flowers on a table just barely not obscured by the sweep of the model in front of it, but it’s breathtaking in its white on white texture, some sort of dark, shiny green leaf setting off the blooms and making them even more striking. He bends closer to the page and wonders what they are, if the detail on the picture is enough to tell. If it isn’t, maybe he could use Isabelle’s name and contact the agency who did the shoot and ask -

_”Oh, look at the scrollwork,” Kurt said dreamily, smoothing his fingertips over the glossy page of the bridal magazine in his lap. The cake was _gorgeous_ , so sophisticated and intricate without being over the top._

_Blaine looked up from where he was sprawled on his stomach beside him, his book resting on the grass. The sun danced across him through the fluttering leaves of the tree above them. “That’s really pretty,” he agreed._

_“It’s much too subtle for Rachel, though,” Kurt said, “and I’m officially not helping her with this crazy wedding to Finn, anyway.”_

_“Of course not,” Blaine said with a laugh. “That’s why you bought that magazine.”_

_Kurt narrowed his eyes in response. “If she’s going to talk to me about it against my direct wishes, I at least want to be prepared.” He stroked his fingertips along the tone on tone tracery adorning the fondant. It was _lovely_. It just wasn’t anything Rachel would like. “But this won’t work for her.” He moved to flip the page, but Blaine put out a hand to stop him._

_“You should save it,” Blaine told him, growing serious as he watched Kurt’s face. His voice dropped to something soft and intimate, something only for them. “There will be other weddings.”_

_Caught up in the open promise in Blaine’s face, Kurt couldn’t breathe for a second around the lump of pure, sure joy in his chest. Then he curled his fingers around Blaine’s, let out some of his feelings in a smile that made Blaine’s eyes warm in return, and marked the page. “There will,” he promised in return._

\- Kurt shuts the magazine and jams it into his bag, pulling out a book instead. He has too much homework to be reading for pleasure right now.

***

Sighing in frustration, Kurt wets his hands in the sink and digs them deep into his hair, loosening the hold of his styling. His hair is _not_ behaving, but he’s damned if he’s going to let it win. He has a reputation for perfection to maintain. He has his _pride_ to maintain. He is _not_ going out of that door looking like this.

He tugs his hair free with impatient fingers -

_Kurt blinked open sleepy eyes to see Blaine, so close on the next pillow, watching his fingers stroke through Kurt’s hair. It had to be an utter mess, standing up in all directions, nothing like what it had been when he’d walked into Blaine’s room tonight. “I don’t even want to think about what I look like.”_

_“Gorgeous,” Blaine said, his voice low and awed. He met Kurt’s eyes with a wonder in his own. “You look gorgeous.”_

_Kurt couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face; he felt a little shy, a little awkward after all of the new things they’d just done, a little self-conscious about being rumpled and naked in front of Blaine, but he also felt so happy that none of the rest mattered. “You, too,” he said, reaching up to cup Blaine’s cheek._

_The kiss started soft but went on and on and on, deeper and wetter and greedier until Blaine was half over him, his fingers tight in Kurt’s hair to hold him there as Blaine kissed him again and again._

_“Sorry,” Blaine said hoarsely, loosening his grip as he backed off a few inches. He was breathing hard, they both were, and Kurt couldn’t quite bring himself to let go of Blaine’s shoulders. He didn’t want to let go._

_“It’s okay,” Kurt told him with a husky laugh. He slid his foot along Blaine’s bare calf, shivering at the intimacy of the touch. “It’s all okay, Blaine.”_

_The light in Blaine’s face was radiant, and he stroked through Kurt’s messy hair once more before he lowered his head to kiss him again._

\- and shivers, his eyes closing. Despite himself, he lets his fingers drift, just for a moment, caught in the memory of sensation and emotion and all too conscious that it’s not at all the same.

Then he chokes back his disgust and disappointment at giving in and returns to the task at hand, putting himself back together the way he is supposed to be.

***

Kurt drifts up from a disturbing dream about Santana dressed as some sort of sports team mascot yelling at him about how to count home runs. He’s very glad to find that it isn’t real, particularly since he was supposedly up at bat next.

He’s still half asleep as he rolls his face against the hand he’s pillowed it on on the arm of the couch, and he feels worn out enough that he could happily fall right back asleep -

_”Shh,” Blaine told him, rubbing Kurt’s shoulder and tucking the blanket up around him. “It’s not time to wake up yet.”_

_“Finals,” Kurt said against Blaine’s thigh. He was certain the corduroy was going to leave marks on his cheek, but he was too comfortable to move. The Andersons had the best couches. He should get Blaine to bring one to New York with him after he graduated. Along with his very comfortable and attractive leg. And the rest of him, too._

_“You finished everything for tomorrow,” Blaine said soothingly, stroking down his arm. “You just need to rest.”_

_“Okay,” Kurt murmured, sinking back down into much-needed sleep, feeling warm and safe, feeling loved._

\- but he’s increasingly aware that there’s a crick in his neck and he’s stiff and cold. Besides, he has a ton of work to do, he’s only going to have so much time alone in the apartment, and it would be nice for a change to take a shower without anyone pounding on the door wanting to get into the bathroom.

He pushes himself up to sitting, his body protesting every inch of the movement.

***

Shutting the window most of the way behind him, Kurt climbs out onto the fire escape and wonders how the New York City night can be the quieter option between that and the cacophony of his apartment. This is getting ridiculous, and it’s only going to get worse as Santana makes friends and brings them over.

He stands by the railing and looks out toward the street, centering himself for a moment with his phone in his hand -

_Kurt took a breath and tried to keep his tone as light and mature as he could. “Well, don’t let any of those hideous Warblers win, all right?” he said into the phone. “Break a leg. Happy Thanksgiving.” He wasn’t doing this as well as he wanted to, reconnecting with Blaine, but all he could do was his best when it was so complicated, so painful, so hard to be without Blaine in his life and so hard to think about having him there again, too._

_“Happy Thanksgiving,” came Blaine’s voice - so familiar and full of emotion that it made the hair on Kurt’s arms stand on end - down the line. And then it thickened with even more hope, despair, and tears, all of it threatening to go straight to Kurt’s battered and lonely heart. “Kurt, I love you so much.”_

\- before he shakes his head to dislodge the memory. He’s not out here to torture himself. He’s here to call someone it doesn’t hurt to love, someone he’s _supposed_ to love.

He flips through his contacts and pushes the number he could recite in his sleep, his smile catching as soon as his dad answers the phone.

***

Rachel slips her arms around Kurt’s waist, pressing her face against his shoulder and holding on tightly -

_Blaine’s arms were strong and secure, pulling him in perfectly against him like they were created to fit together. His breath was soft on Kurt’s cheek, his warm body firm against him, such a solid anchor for Kurt to hold onto in return._

_Kurt made a soft noise despite himself, closing his eyes and leaning his head against Blaine’s, sinking into the hug and letting himself feel precious and safe like he always did in Blaine’s embrace, every day, every time they touched._

\- and Kurt hugs her back for a moment before she dances away with a smile and says, “Good night. Sweet dreams!”

“Good night,” he replies, standing alone in his doorway as she heads off to her bed. He goes to get a sweater to wrap around himself.

***

“Jesus, Kurt,” Santana says, shielding her eyes with her arm as Kurt walks out of the bathroom. “You should warn us. Where are my sunglasses? Seriously, the glare off your pasty white skin could blind someone.”

Just finished with his post-shower moisturizing routine, Kurt pulls the lapels of his bathrobe closed with one hand -

_Blaine’s breath rushed out of him as he got Kurt’s shirt off over his head, and Kurt looked down at him to see the wonder and desire mixing in his face._

_“My god, Kurt,” Blaine said, touching him with reverent hands. “I’d forgotten - No, I hadn’t forgotten, not a thing, but I was almost sure my memories were exaggerated because of how much I’ve missed you. But here you are, and you’re so - “ He shook his head and skimmed his fingers up Kurt’s chest, leaving trails of shivering need in their wake. “I don’t know how to tell you how amazing you look. And you feel even better.”_

_Kurt’s own breath threatened to hitch with how much he’d missed being wanted like that, and he made himself give Blaine a sultry smile instead of begging him to keep talking. “Then show me instead,” he said, sinking back onto the hotel bed._

_“ _Yes_ ,” Blaine said, his eyes dark and eager, and stripped off his own shirt as he crawled up after him._

\- and stalks past her without a word, his stomach churning.

***

Kurt slides in between the cool sheets of his bed, his sore muscles grateful for the opportunity to relax after a long, brutal day of school. He curls toward the middle of his bed as his breath sighs out of him -

_”Mmm,” Blaine said, opening his arms so that Kurt could fit himself into him. “I set the alarm. We’ve got two hours before you need to leave to make curfew.”_

_“Thank you.” Kurt relaxed as he found that spot on Blaine’s shoulder that was made to cradle his head and slid his arm around Blaine’s bare chest. It seemed almost a waste to spend their time asleep, but they’d already worn each other out thoroughly, he thought with a self-satisfied smile at how hard he’d gotten Blaine to come, and actually sleeping together was a luxury they so rarely had time to enjoy._

_Holding him close, Blaine turned his face into Kurt’s hair and murmured, “I’m just glad you can stay. I wish we could do this every night.”_

_Kurt tightened his arm around him at the amazing thought of being able to sleep together night after night, to have sides of the bed and favorite pillows and a ‘usual’ way of curling up together, and said, “We will.”_

\- and turns abruptly away, putting his back to the memory of that wonderful night and of the horrible one he did spend with Blaine in this bed when he was sick with the heartbreak that he didn’t yet know was only going to get worse with time.

He closes his eyes and puts it all behind him.

***

“Thank you, Kurt,” Adam says, stepping into the hallway and turning back with a smile on his face. “I had a great night.”

“I did, too.” Kurt leans against the doorframe, his hand on the open door, as Adam steps in -

_Blaine’s mouth was so hot on his that Kurt’s skin felt too tight, his heart raced too fast, and his lungs felt like they couldn’t draw enough air, but it was so good that he didn’t care. He just kissed Blaine and kissed him, his hands in Blaine’s hair and his body pressed between Blaine and the car door with the sticky summer night air all around them._

_“My dad’s going to stop flicking the porch light and open the door in a second,” Kurt said with a helpless laugh when he pulled away to try to catch his breath._

_“I know,” Blaine said with a smile, looking sheepish and rumpled and desperately happy. “And I’m not sure he wasn’t joking about having bought a shotgun when he found out we’re dating.”_

_“I’m not, either,” Kurt admitted. He smoothed his fingers through Blaine’s hair, trying to make it look a little bit less disreputable but mostly just enjoying getting to touch him at all. Even after a couple of months it was still incredible._

_Blaine didn’t even glance at the house when the light turned off and on pointedly yet again. “But I don’t want to go. I’m not ready to go.”_

_“You’re never ready,” Kurt told him, a bubble of utter delight filling his chest, because it was _true_. Blaine loved him _that_ much._

_Blaine’s smile just grew, not self-conscious in the slightest. “I know.” He leaned in for another kiss, and Kurt was more than willing to meet him halfway._

\- and gives Kurt a quick peck on the lips, barely enough to warm them.

Adam’s eyes are hopeful on Kurt’s as he pulls back. “Good night,” is all he says as he walks backwards down the hallway.

His heart steady in his chest, Kurt stays where he is and says with a calm smile, “Good night.”

***

“Adam and I are going to - “ Kurt is saying to Rachel while they wash dishes when Santana interrupts with a loud gagging sound from the kitchen table.

“Santana!” Rachel says.

“I don’t know _what_ you see in him,” Santana ignores her and tells Kurt. “You and the hobbit were so sickeningly sweet that you single-handedly kept me fitting into my Cheerios uniform last year because I couldn’t keep down my lunch around you, but at least you weren’t _boring_.”

“Thank you so much,” Kurt says icily and takes the next dish from Rachel to dry it.

“No, I mean it,” Santana says. “He looks like an elderly pug, only less cute. Why the fuck are you wasting your time with him? Is it the accent? Because if you ask me I don’t even think it’s real.”

“It’s none of your business who I date, Santana,” Kurt tells her, because he knows there’s no point in engaging in the conversation.

Santana leans back in her chair and examines her fingernails. “It is if he’s here in my home all the time.”

“It’s not your home,” Rachel reminds her. “You’re our guest.”

“I mean, I guess I can’t really blame you for hooking up with Blaine in Lima if _that’s_ the best you can get in New York,” Santana says. “Plus all of the romance of being with your perfect and true love, or at least that’s what you told us you two were at the time.”

Kurt takes a breath, his heart suddenly bleeding in his chest all over again -

_Blaine silently scooted his chair a few inches closer and set his hand on Kurt’s knee where they sat at the back of the choir room risers as Mr. Schuester talked about their next assignment. Blaine’s eyes were on the front of the room, dutiful as ever, but his smile was just for Kurt._

_Bathed in sunshine, Kurt happily re-settled the collar of Blaine’s coat before leaning in for a good morning kiss on his front porch._

_Their voices echoed beautifully in the car as they sang to and for each other, their fingers twined on the gear shift and the rest of the world all but forgotten as it zipped past beyond the windows._

_Blaine’s hand was tight on Kurt’s, a lifeline, when he bent to place his own bouquet next to Kurt’s in front of Kurt’s mother’s headstone._

_Spread out on his bed, Blaine threw his head back and moaned helplessly as Kurt pressed his mouth to Blaine’s flat, bare stomach and moved lower still._

_Kurt curled into Blaine’s shoulder, his face damp and his breath uneven as he looked at the plastic crown and scepter sitting where he’d dropped them on the coffee table._

_Blaine’s eyes were shy when he pulled a magazine clipping from his bag and offered the picture to Kurt as an addition from him to his wedding binder._

_Kurt held out his hands and drew Blaine into the dance in the middle of the living room, laughing as they tried to dip each other at the same time along with Fred and Ginger on the screen._

_Kurt’s heart felt filled to bursting month after month after month with every promise Blaine gave him with his eyes, with his touch, with his smile, with every whisper against his skin, with every I love you, with every bit of romance, with every bit of understanding, with every single shared dream of forever._

\- and he says, “I was wrong about that.”

And he was, he was, there is no question that he was a fool and so wrong, no matter how much he might wish he weren’t.

“Just like you were about Brittany,” he adds to try to cut off the conversation, because the last thing he wants to do is talk about how much it still hurts him.

Santana looks down, deflated and defeated like he thought she’d be. They’d had a lot of dreams together, too, and he knows Santana well enough to be sure she isn’t over them. “Yeah,” she breathes out sadly.

His stomach twisting in knots and making him wish he’d skipped dinner, Kurt takes the plate Rachel has just finished washing, dries it, and puts it away on its shelf.

He tries not to wonder if he’ll ever have the epic romance he dreams about, the true and unshakable love he aches for and was promised, because, as much as he still wants it, deep in the roiling depths of his heart he’s not sure anymore that it’s even something possible to have.

He wishes that it didn't feel like it’s something he’s lost for good, a child’s fantasy or a once in a lifetime possibility now gone.

Heart-sick and not quite able to put it away as easily as he can the plate in his hand, Kurt wishes more than anything that when he thinks about having that sort of dreamy, perfect future he could manage to imagine the love of his life having any face in the world other than Blaine's.

He wishes he could imagine it with anyone but Blaine.

He just... can’t. Not yet.

Somehow he needs to, though, because those breathtakingly wonderful promises of love and forever they shared just aren’t going to come true, they _can’t_ , not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder: I am spoiler-free! Please do not spoil me for what's coming ahead!


End file.
